Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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