im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I would fuck him just for his dog
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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