So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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