I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
