Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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