You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
