Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
