I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
