How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
