I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
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I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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