im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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