Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
