So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
