sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
