I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
