i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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