I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
