you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
