You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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