My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
