my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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