I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
