Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
