Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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