At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
