You smell like a Billy Joel song
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
