and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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