True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
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She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
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