i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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