I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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