I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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