It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
