I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
