I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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