Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
