The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
