The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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