i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
