well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I looked at my own cervix.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Everclear isn't food dammit
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
