just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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