hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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