I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
