i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
