I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We need to get me chipped asap
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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