Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
