So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
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I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
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I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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