At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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