I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
