Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
