I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
