just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I need moral support for this bender
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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