My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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