I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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