is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
