Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
