Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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