Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
