shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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