You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
