I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
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Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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