I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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