I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
